30 dahilan kung bakit ako binaliw ng 100 Tula Para Kay Stella

Kahapon ang unang araw ng Pista ng Pelikulang Pilipino, at nagkataon naman na maaga ang labas ko sa trabaho kaya naman naisip ko, bakit hindi pa ko manuod na?

Pinili kong unahin ang 100 Tula Para kay Stella, una dahil ang catchy ng title para sa mga mahihilig magsulat, at pangalawa, para suportahan ang ilang mga taga Victory Malolos na naging bahagi na rin ng pelikulang ito, sa likod man o harap ng camera. (Hey Gianne, Meynard, Carl and Jiad!)

Hindi ako nagsisisi sa pagpili ko dito sa pelikulang ito. Katunayan, dalawang buwan ko ‘to hinintay. Tungkol ‘to kay Fidel (JC Santos) na may speech defect pero mahilig magsulat ng tula. Nainlove sya kay Stella (Bela Padilla), isang rakistang lukaret pero sobrang ganda. Tapos naging magkaibigan sila. Tapos ano, sinulatan nya si Stella ng isang daang tula. Oo bes. Isang daan. Gano’n kalala ang tama n’ya kay Stella. Angas, noh?

Marami kayong mababasang mas magandang mga reviews sa mga susunod na araw sa Facebook. Hindi ako expert dito, pero kasi paglabas ko ng sinehan, ‘di ako nakasakay agad pauwi kasi dina-digest ko ‘yung mga nangyari. Para bang nung una akong lumabas sa cinema, okay pa ko, pero habang papalayo ako at papasakay ng taxi, do’n ko naiisip lahat, ta’s do’n ko lang napagtanto na shems, masakit pala talaga.

**Warning: this post may contain minor spoilers, so kung hindi mo pa napapanuod, bes panuorin mo na. Hanggang August 22 lang sila sa sinehan! Pero kung chill ka lang, then by all means, go ahead and scroll down.*

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How do you let your pain change you?

I’ve read from somewhere before that pain changes people.

Well, it’s obvious everywhere. I’ve seen people being changed by pain right before my very eyes.

In a span of two months, a lot of things happened in my life. I splurged my savings for future travels, started wearing skirts more often, had a night-out routine every Monday night as if I don’t work the next day, appreciated the taste of Smirnoff and soju more, changed my type of playlists, started writing poetry in Filipino and the most recent was dyeing my hair to rose gold.

I am almost never at home in Bulacan, since I spend most of my days in the city near my office. When I come back there, I always got people saying, “Uy, nag-iba ka!”

Was it because of the hair? Or the way I dress? The way I talk and laugh out loud more? The way I ditched black for neons and pastels? The way I write? The songs I play in the car?

Sonetimes I get so confused. Was that even a compliment? Though some of them follows up with, “Mas bagay sa’yo!” or “That’s better,” I got one who said, “Is that your way of moving on? Rebellion?”

I don’t get it. (I mean, of course I smiled back. But seriously?) I don’t get the rebellion part. Is expressing myself by ditching the blacks for neons and pastels already rebellious enough? Is changing your music preference a sign of rebellion from yourself already?

I don’t have someone to rebel to. All I know is that the past two months have been the most fun and liberating times of my year. I smiled better. I had fun a lot more. I fell in love with the city I used to hate — I made it my own so won’t be associating it with memories, or a person anymore.

I lived the life in the city and I loved it.

But I’m still the same girl from the North. I still crave for the Bulacan fresh air from time to time. I’d still prefer our chicharon over Pasig’s. I am still bobo when it comes to directions, and I am still clumsy. I still write from the heart. I am still myself.

But I am happier now. I am free. I am clean.

Being clean doesn’t mean you don’t have episodes of anxieties. I still have those moments, like walking into a mall and spotting a familiar face from afar, and the next thing you know you’re walking into the nearest store so you can avoid bumping into each other — ’cause you know it still can pierce and crush you. I still had one or two mornings when I just cry after opening my eyes from a flashback dream.

And being clean doesn’t mean you don’t miss it. I still do at times.

But I’m “sober” now. I’m not love drunk anymore. I got a life, a busy one actually, so why not make the most out of it while I still can? I was served pain in a platter (with garnish pa, mind you!) two months ago, now it’s up to me on how I will consume it.

I choose to be a Sansa Stark. Or a Daenerys Stormborn. Yes, these women are bitchy and have their own temperamental episodes. But both of them were also scorned, raped, persecuted and all. Pain has changed them, and where are they now?

sansa dany

Sansa now takes charge of the North while her brother is away, and Daenerys has finally landed to conquer the Iron Throne. They chose to be changed by pain and be stronger. And braver.

And if you are face to face with pain right now, you also have the choice. How do you let your pain change you?

You can either let it consume you, turn your heart into a stone and be a selfish monster, or you can let it change you into an upgraded version of yourself — the one that’s smiling better, the one that has a lot of love and happiness to give without being selfish.

I have chosen the latter.

Sirang earphones

Meron akong problema. Hindi naman problema talaga pero gusto ko lang problemahin. Alam nyo na, #millenialproblems ang peg, mga Bimb.

Ano kasi, no’ng isang araw habang nanunuod ako ng Game of Thrones season 7 episode 1 sa cellphone ko nung lunchtime, nasira ‘yung left earpiece ng earphones ko. ‘Di tuloy ako umabot sa cameo part ni Ed Sheeran.

Para sa mga nakakakilala talaga sa akin, OC ako sa mga bagay na hindi pantay. Kaya ang laking abala nung manunuod ako ng episode na mahigit isang taon kong hinintay tapos hindi maganda ang sounds. Ang badtrip kaya!

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Landing

“Ma’am, papirma nalang po sa may banda dito.”

Inabot ko sabay hablot ng bolpen ko sa bulsa ko, pero nung pumirma na ako, halos wala nang maibuga. Mawawalan na pala ito ng tinta.

Naghanapan pa tuloy kami ni manong. Sa bulsa niya, sa drawer ko, kahit sa table ng graphic designer naming kaaalis lang papuntang Hong Kong para magbakasyon, wala!

“Ayos lang ba kung green nalang ipang-pirma ko?”

“Ayos lang po, ma’am. Mas okay nga ‘yon di’ba. Mas masaya! Kesa do’n sa itim, malungkot na nga naghihingalo pa.” Continue reading