To the one whose heart I broke

I’m sorry.

I know I have said this a million times before but I feel like I have to keep on apologizing. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m sorry I gave up on us a few years back, and I’m sorry I can’t force myself to take back the decisions I have made before.

I’m so sorry I broke your heart.

You told me before that you have forgiven me, but I guess I haven’t really forgiven myself at all, because everytime we try to keep our friendship, everything I do keeps on hurting you in the process. I guess I have to accept that I can’t bring back the friendship that we used to have even before you asked me as your girlfriend, no matter how hard I try. It’s just not going to be the same.

Not until you’ve totally forgiven me, and let go.

By letting go, that means releasing everything. I don’t want us to be awkward, and I don’t want to hold back anymore whenever we exchange stories, with me always worrying that it may somehow affect you.

All I am praying for is for you to understand that we are already mature enough to deal with this. And please believe me, when I decided to break up with you, it did hurt me as much it hurt you.

Yeah, I know. Unbelievable. But it did. Nothing hurts more than realizing you’ve hurt the best friend whom you really loved. There was a point in my life when I can’t even forgive myself for doing that, but I have to, because as your best friend, I believe you deserve someone who will understand you, take care of you and will devote her time to share your pain.

I regret that I can’t be that girl, that’s why I had to leave.

We’re in different zones and seasons. Our priorities, interests and timelines were too different as well that no matter how hard for us to try to meet halfway, we just end up hurting each other.

Just like parallel lines, our ends won’t meet.

There are times that I miss you. Not the boyfriend you, but the best friend kind of you – someone whom I can share jokes and stories with, despite our differences, we make sure each other’s okay. I missed the us that does not hold back, that does not struggle and does not fight.

Now, I sincerely ask for your permission if I can start dating other guys as well. I hope it’s fine, for as a woman, it is my right to know other people and have more acquaintances in my circle. It is my right to entertain people in my life and go out with them, and say yes. Just like you, I am free and I have the right to experience these things.

Because I can’t continue doing these things knowing there’s someone hurting on the sidelines. It’s hard, believe me, being torn to exercise my freedom and respecting the feelings of someone who was once dear to me before. I can’t keep on doing this and feel like shit. I hope you understand.

Would you like to date other girls? You can. And you can share these stories with me, for I will be one of those people who’d be very happy and be supportive of you. Do you need help to prepare dates or on ways to impress them? I’d be more than willing to volunteer. I will always be one of your best friends, the one who will be supportive of your endeavors.

I want my best friend back. And I know it’s not going to be easy to have him back, I’ll always wait for that time to come

As mature adults, let’s set each other free so we can be friends again. I pray that once we see each other again one day, the awkward encounters will be gone. And if we can’t be like that very soon, we’ll take it step by step.

Until the both of us can be friends again.

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