To the one whom I almost prayed for..

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I’m glad things didn’t work out the way I expected them to.

“Same time last year, everything was different.”

True enough, eh?
I almost didn’t get to write this because for the past few months, I kept on saying, “This is the last time I’ll write about you” and that last time never happened. I vowed to myself that I’d try not to entertain thoughts about writing something that’s about you, but tonight, and after all of the things I’ve realized lately, I can’t help but do so.

So here’s five things that I’d like to say to you.

IT FELT GOOD.
– Those times that we’ve spent together talking felt good. You were interesting. It was during these times that I learned a lot of things about you, your future plans, your vision for the city and most especially, your prayers. It felt good to work with you. It felt good that I somehow made you smile on your special day, and it felt good hearing your voice in the morning greeting me during mine. It felt good. Everything did. And I’ll always remember those times.

YOU MATTERED.
– Yes, you did. Perhaps that’s why I loved making you smile. Or happy. Or laugh. Somehow, you did help me build my faith. You encouraged me with my calling and even tried to persuade me to get out of my comfort zone. You challenged me because before, I never knew how it is to submit to men. But because we became friends, and I saw how good you are as a leader, I learned how to submit to men like you. You mattered that’s why I have always prayed for your safety and success. You mattered because you’ve broken down my walls. Our friendship mattered. Even up until now.

IT HURT. A LOT.
– I was never the the type of girl that will be easily stirred up by men, because I knew that my heart will always be deceitful, and yet I still let myself be stirred up by you. I’ve seen the red flags already. I’ve seen them all, trust me. It’s my fault that I never tried to stop myself despite being smart at pointing out how dangerous it will be for me to be stirred up, but I want you to know that as a man, you should be responsible as well to guard the hearts of the women around you. It hurt, because I was so so stirred up, and yet for you it was all just nothing. It hurt because whatever you did to me last year, I see you doing those things again right now to another woman. I should’ve stopped and heed the warning signs before. I wish I never ignored them, because it did hurt.

THANK YOU.
– You encouraged me and help me build my faith. Thank you because you made me realize that I was capable of doing things that I didn’t know I was capable of, such as teaching. My friendship with you is far from perfect, but I want to let you know that it is one of those that I most treasured in my heart. Thank you for believing in me, and I am grateful to God that even just for a year, I had the chance to get to know you futher. Thank you for existing and being a blessing to me.

DON’T DO IT AGAIN.
– As much as you guard your own heart, please be responsible enough to guard other people’s heart as well. For the past year, you’ve played up with my feelings and that almost jeopardized our friendship, but it’s okay, because I’ve forgiven you already. I understood that, even though you are a fruitful leader and a faithful follower of God, you still have your flaws. It may not be your intention to stir me up, or other girls up, but next time, please be careful with your words and actions. You don’t know how these girls have struggled so far to build their own guardrails to not have their hearts broken again, so please, don’t ever try to break them down unless it’s time to do that, or unless you are 100% sure that she’s the one you’re looking for.

It’s true enough when they say that it’s important that we pray for the person we’re interested in, because God might reveal something that will save us from heartaches. I should know, because I failed to do that before, my broken heart that I’m praying to be healed until now. I should’ve prayed about this earlier, but it’s okay that God has His own ways of revealing to me why I should stop hoping for a chance for the two of us without His blessing. It hurt, but it’d hurt more if the agony was prolonged.

I’ve written this not because I hate you. I don’t. We’re friends, and you are a big part of my life now and I have already accepted that it’s never gonna change, whatever happens to us. I’ve written this down so that I can release my feelings, and to get closure for this one so that I can now move on to the next chapter of my life. I pray that you are doing well.

See you whenever.

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