Last Friday, I had a bad fall while volunteering for our youth service.
It was humiliating, but I didn’t seem to care at first because I can usually laugh about those bloopers and easily get away with it. I got home and had this assurance that the fall wasn’t that bad, bcause I wasn’t hurt. I didn’t feel anything at all.
The pain started the morning after. I woke up struggling to move my lower back, but it was still bearable for me. It continued on Sunday, and then Monday, and it was getting worse. My walk was affected already, but since I did not plot for any leaves this APEC week, I proceeded and went to work. From Monday til Wednesday, the pain was getting worse and I couldn’t even sit straight on a chair, or even on the bus. Many times I went to our office clinic, who told me it could possibly be a “bugbog”, because if it’s a fracture on the bone, then I wouldn’t be at work right now. They gave me painkillers, which will work, but after a few hours, the effect of these meds will subside then here comes the pain again.
But this Thursday morning, I woke up at 3:45 in the morning — 20 minutes before my alarm would ring, and I can’t even sit on my own. Everytime I would try, there goes a piercing pain on my lower back. Parang may naiipit. And it goes all the way from my lower back to my left leg, making me too week to walk proeprly, or even stand on my own. When my parents inspected my lower back, they saw some bruises on it, which weren’t there when we tried checking on that days back. It was then I finally told them, “Hindi ko na yata kayang pumasok ngayon. Paano pa ako makakaupo? Sa bus at office?” They let me sleep, enduring the pain of not being able to report for work during a critical holiday, and the pain of this stupid accident that I’ve had last Friday, while they went to the drugstore to find some muscle relaxants. They woke me up at 6 to drink those meds, then let me rest again.
Counting the sleep that I’ve had from last night, I’ve slept for 14 hours in total. I woke up at half-past 10 with a headache, but I was able to move my hips. It was still painful, I can still feel some piercing pain everytime I sit, but it wasn’t as bad as what I’ve experienced that morning. Dad was at work, and Mom proceeded to attend her seminar (I forced her to, telling her that I’m too old to look after myself anyway.) I had no food downstairs, and I remembered that Mom reminded me to just have my lunch delivered by a local fastfood chain so that I don’t have to go out. But I realized that I don’t have enough money with me. I wasn’t able to withdraw anything because I did not go to work today.
All I had was a hundred and twenty peso bill. It’s enough for a food but fastfood chains only deliver orders that are 200 php and up.
Not minding the pain, I searched and fumbled all my wallets and purses for extra bills and coins. I’m not the type of person who scatters bills or coins on different pouches and wallets but magically, I got three 20php bills from a random purse, and another two 20 php bills from the hidden pocket of my bag. I got a total of 220 php on bills, 245 php including the coins. I ordered my lunch online and got them 30 minutes after at my doorstep. Fast, and no hassle.
The little note put a smile on my face. I don’t know if it’s because I’m such a regular delivery customer already that all of the delivery blokes have memorized the roads here in our subdivision, but nevertheless, it’s so cool to receive packages with a cute little note like that.
So that was all I did the whole day. I ate, read a good book and watched Kalyeserye until my mother came home. I was able to rest my body and rest my mind as well. After a whole month of stressing out over work, my performance, my scores, my regularization, this was the only time that I was able to fully rest my mind away from the computer, the phone, and the hustle and bustle of metro. Not as productive as my usual Thursday but I guess I needed time for myself as well.
During those hours that I had nothing to do, I talked to God. I told Him that I am just so, so tired. My job is tiring me, the pressure of maintaining stats are haunting me every single morning that I wake up, and I’m on the edge of giving up on my dream, which is to venture into a different career and to help my Mom launch her business. I told Him as well that I felt trapped on this job that I didn’t originally want, and I asked Him if there will still be a chance of me getting out of this, and finally being able to pursue my dreams.
He was silent. He was just so silent that it scares me, bcause I felt so lost without His word to guide me, or to rebuke me or whatever. I remembered my Mom telling me the other day that if God was silent, that doesn’t mean that He’s not doing anything in your life. Maybe it’s true. Maybe I was just losing patience, maybe I was too tired of waiting anymore but one thing is for sure, I needed Him to get through this.
Before I closed the Bible, I stumbled upon this verse in James.
I started to cry because it was just so on point. By just reading this verse, God is reminding me to not give up on this season of testing, because in the end I will be learning something from it, and this will make me a more mature Christian, with a deeper faith and trust in Him. He may be silent at times, but that doesn’t mean that He has no plans for me.
I never knew bad falls and a bad back can be a “blessing in disguise” for me, for it weren’t for this, I wouldn’t have the time to appreciate the unexpected favors (the hidden bills and coins), the gift of rest (mind and body) and the realization that He wants me to ponder on: YOU FALL, BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS GET BACK UP, SO DON’T GIVE UP.